innocentex's Journal

What a Christmas
Hey everyone

This is probably the second time I've ever used L.J. and the first time was probably two years ago. But I have decided that I have something to say. So, I actually read what my friends have to say about me and my first point of action is to address the apparent ex-friend. EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD IGNORE THIS I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS AS A REPLY BUT I REFUSE TO REWRITE IT AT THIS POINT.

The reason I called you last night was not to tell you to back off. I tried to make that clear. I'm sorry if I couldn't make sense to you through the ****ing crying. It took all of the nerve I had to actually call you so I am sorry if the well rehearsed speech that has been floating in my brain for the last two weeks didn't come out wonderfully articulated. I'm not big on losing friends. In fact, unlike you I tend to fight for them. You may not have guessed (but others have) that I have been fighting with myself over how to act around you. I was trying to ignore everything and just be the friend. I was ****ing being fake and hating it and resenting your actions for driving me to that end. Waite, I take that back, you are not the only one I blame. I blame the ass as well but I figured you two are people who ****ing deserve a chance at whatever happiness you can find in this ****ed up world. So, the reason I called was to tell you to go ahead. I no longer want any ties to you. You have seriously hurt me (even if you think you did nothing wrong, you fucked up, so if spite gives you an even stronger desire to fall back on someone because you are incapable of being self dependent go right ahead!)Right now I bet your muttering, "Oh, that b****." I was trying to tell you that I could not handle a friend of mine getting serious with the only guy I have loved. And I KNOW I AM an idiot for actually feeling that way, and even more so for anouncing to everyone that even after he dumped me I still feel that way, but at least I'm being ****ing honest and I'm not asking for anyones ****ing pity. I realise that I am stupid and that I should break my ties with the jerk. This is my own chose and it has always been my choice. I listen to my friends and their suggestions and know that my actions disappoint them, and I am sorry for being a disappointment to you guys. I was trying to make it clear to you once-so-close-friend that I couldn't handle being attached to the pain so I was going to distance myself from you and him and allow you to find whatever comfort you could with the other. This way I would not have to deal with a person I trusted getting it on with him, but someone I no longer recognised. I figured you as a stranger would be better than you as a friend doing the same action. Hell, I'll even stop ****ing him of that makes you happy, just don't flaunt the fact that he wants you more than he ****ing ever wanted me in the 4 and some years we were together. So don't ****ing call me a bitch for telling you to go ahead. I was trying my hardest to make this easier on everyone.

And you know what, while I'm b****ing about all this let me tell everyone why I am so dissappointed in the person I considered my closest female friend. Yes, I am part to blame because I told her I would be more comfortable with her being with the ass than with the girl he broke up with me to see. I lied, but I also thought that she would know that I would be threatening by anyone he chose to see. And I really thought that she was a friend who wouldn't actually do that. Now I don't know why I ever thought this. Maybe it was because she had never shown interest in him when we were going out, maybe it was because she just got out of a relationship she hated and was announcing to one and all that she was happy to be single, in fact I remember a walk we took to the RFC one day in which she stated that she wanted to remain single for a long period of time. She wanted to fish and see what she got, she didn't want to get serious. I thought her getting off the pill was her being free from obligations to seriousness. Wow imagine my shock when she start cuddling up with my ex and sleeping with him, which sorry for my old fashionedness is something I consider kinda intimate and promising for the other party, less than a month after my break up and even sooner after hers. Major dissapointment and then the anouncement that you want to get laid in front of him who is already interested and me who is already hurt. And then our latest conversation in which you told me that if she had known that what she was doing would have hurt me she would have done it anyhow and just lied about it. (Well, that was the greatest really) Really! I like how that came out and she was right, I have no control over her actions, her actions are her own responsibility but it was her actions that cost her a friend.

To my once good friend again...You never put my friendship over him, but then who can blame you. I haven't a penis to offer you the comforting you really needed. I can only tell you that you were smart to leave the relationship you were previously in, and I know you are going through a hard time now with your dad not helping out and the worries you have about what could come up when you see the specialist. I would have been there for you and I would have helped the best I could to assist you to get through your fucking classes with a descent grade if you had wanted. I might have told you to stop watching tv and actually concentrate on your life, which you wouldn't have wanted but I would have helped you study or type up your papers or brainstorm with you if you had simply asked. Sorry I was such a shitty friend for expecting you to not mess around with my ex. You had so many other options and you already knew that he was a not so good bf, so why did you pick him? You're hot, you're funny, you're athletic, you're crazy....need I go on. You're an awesome person in your own right, but you're also inconsiderate and selfish as I am now finding out. Sorry I couldn't have been a better friend and just let you get into a relationship with him. I know I lack in the selfless quarter as well, but I'm not pretending that my actions were perfectly on the level either.

PS to you I will be at Phil's also, because he is a good friend and the type of ex I was hoping Jason would somday be. Highly unlikely since Jason never really talks to people or even cares what they have to say, but hey what can I say, I'm a dreamer. But Phil is an awesome person who I can always rely on for honesty and the best male friend I have ever and probably will ever have. I will not abandon that friendship until I die and that is not even drama, it's the truth. So, if you are there I'll probably just continue to be fake and friendly or I may ignore you. I hope you don't take affense, I am just trying to give you a chance at what you appeared to want.

Also I am sorry if anyone else is upset with you, but their reasons are their own. With the exception of one person, when I discuss my feelings of shittines I don't bring you up. I blame myself and my ex so know that I am not biasing people.

....

Ok. So everyone else here's how my x-mas went. My family celebrated our x-mas on christmas eve and all was going well and my brothers and I were playing poker and dad and mom were watching Daddy Day Care and laughing when my mom notices my tongue ring. OH the drama!!!!!!

My mother is stuck in the dark ages when it comes to tattoos and piercings, and I have to admit she took the tongue worse than the nipples. She was going to call off X-mas because I had ruined the body she and dad created. I had slapped her in the face, I did it purposefull to hurt her and make a mockery of all she had taught me. Not to mention the 5 grand she had invested into my teeth for braces...(Just so everyone knows she did not invest nearly that much into my mouth because I had braces for only one year) etc. etc. And she ran downstairs and refused to return. About an hour and a half later after her favored son convinced her I was oh so sorry she returned upstairs to partake in the present unwrapping. This was not that bad. I was extremely happy because I recieved the oil paint set that I had requested. Since this was the only thing I asked for I was ecstatic and the set I got is awesome. Not only does it have oils but it also contains chalks, pastels, markers, and colored pencils, really really nice ones. Very Very Happy about this!!!

At the current time as I sit here and type this my dad is still trying to set up the surround sound system that we all purchased for him and that he unwrapped 3 hours ago. (He really hates to follow the directions. All he needs are the pictures.) I really hope it works when he gets it done.

And for all my friends who care and who still acknowledge her Rachel Busch is coming home on my birthday, Dec 26, not to see me, although she will, but because it's the x-mas with Chuck and Mary. So all you that care let me know and I will force her to come say hi.

Good Night all and hope your christmases or winter festivaties turn out ok.

Current Mood: cynical

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